I felt lost. That's the only way I can describe it. Felt like I was eating myself into a big dark hole, all on my own. I knew I had issues, but felt like I'd tried everything and accepted the fact I couldn't be helped anymore.
I'm a big believer in energy, and felt trust and comfort in talking to you and believed you would help me in some way. I didn't know how, or what, but I just went with it. Best thing I ever did. So I just gave it a go!
I now have a clearer mind. I see things a lot more for what they are now rather then let it get caught up in my mind. I've started a healthier lifestyle. I've lost 2 and a half stone in weight as well as opening up channels in my head and heart to share with someone else. That I thought I wouldn't do again.
The biggest change for me is my outlook on everything. Nothing bothers me like it used to. I don't hold things within myself like I used to. I've realised, through working with you, thoughts that are not positive or nourishing for my life do not work for me. So I have made the decision to not allow those to rule me anymore. I'm the master of my now and of my future - I'm going to live it as free as I choose it to be
FOOD CRAVINGS RESOLVED IN A FEW SESSIONS
I bought wine by the box which holds 3 or 4 bottles. I finished them in 2 1⁄2 days. Often less. I don’t do spirits.
I didn’t think I used alcohol as a crutch or was an alcoholic. But I did want to hide from the world- used it as ‘f*ck it all, screw everything, I’ll just get off my head’ plus it helped me ‘sleep’ plus it was a repetitive habit as I do like a bit of OCD, plus it helped keep me poor. I was alone and had a tense and unpleasant relationship with my parents. I did not want to discuss anything with anyone. I stayed in a lot.
I blacked out a couple of times at home and could have seriously hurt myself or - not being dramatic - died (I had candles burning in a dangerous position and discovered my duvet had a burn and candle wax on it) I realised something had to change. I was depressed and hated my life most of the time but tried not to show it to the world.
In short, I am above average intelligence in some respects, very questioning and highly sceptical of trained professionals be they chiropractors, osteopaths or shrinks of any kind. I’ve been to them all over the years. Historically I chose to get help when extremely unhappy and went for drug and alcohol counselling at various NHS and independently run establishments intermittently over approx. a 15 year period. I was even admitted to a psychiatric ward for a couple of nights as a person at risk.
It was all an unmitigated disaster ergo experience proves to me not to trust any therapists or counsellors as I was routinely left feeling abandoned, treated like a number and never got any constructive conclusions. I was also prescribed anti-depressants over 15 years ago which numbed emotions and caused high tension and teeth grinding. Horrible things. Why should Jonathan be any different to everyone else?
I secretly doubted anything Jonathan may suggest would work to any great degree but I tried to be open minded when I had to get treatment for a ‘damaged’ shoulder which wouldn’t heal for over 6 months. I had to get some pain relief and it was spreading down my arm. During manipulation he asked me some strange questions about the injury and my life at that time and it hit a nerve emotionally releasing a lot of tears and pain. My own response shocked me.
I knew Jonathan a little from a mutual hobby. I was embarrassed about sharing my horrible past and present and the nasty, dirty, secret side of my character.
I realised immediately Jonathan was a bit different from other therapists by his general approach, and, my shoulder fully healed within a month of his physical manipulation and exercises he prescribed. But it was the questions he asked and my irrational emotional response that caught my attention so I thought I would give him a chance. What did I have to lose apart from a bit of money that I would only spend on booze anyway?
During and after his 6 week course of headology as I call it, my desire to drink decreased dramatically.
That was over 12 months ago.
I’ve had plenty of time for the effect of his course to wear off and go back to my bad habits.
Today I simply do not have the desire to drink in the same way. Weirdly, the taste has changed to my palate and I actually don’t fancy it a lot of the time – very strange.
I can happily have a glass or two with food or friends or not bother at all. I drank copious amounts alone every night for years. Now my drink of choice is often my favourite bottled water! I’m not a fan of fizzy. I will go a week or more without alcohol, no problem. Also, I have saved a fortune and lost some weight. My important personal family relationships are improving daily and I am genuinely surprised at my own reactions to alcohol – choosing to refuse it when it’s free!
I don’t feel like a stronger person, justified, like I won, there’s no ongoing internal battle against the demon drink, one day at a time and all that. I simply feel naturally happy not to. It is incongruously a bit of a damp squib to explain. I feel quietly, intrinsically contented in my being. Now it’s normal not to drink alcohol but not an issue if I have a glass. I’m all very relaxed about the whole scenario.
Today I am seeing Jonathan to deal with what I now understand is long term deep tangled depression which can be raw and has crippled me in many ways throughout my life – one of the reasons I drank in the first place. HOWEVER, my desire to revert to punishing myself or hide in a bottle during this new journey to recovery has never even crossed my mind. In point of fact I actively ask myself ‘do I fancy going on a bender, giving myself permission because I’m in a bad place right now, I need to vent’ and the honest answer is ‘no’ – remarkable.
Embarking on a full course with Jonathan is not a quick fix. It is not always comfortable to be brutally honest with myself. I don’t necessarily want to look into some issues that come up and can pre- emptively get a bit scared of what I think I will have to resolve. But I can honestly say my anticipatory thoughts are nonsense. It is so much more fulfilling and painless to ‘clean house’ than stay in a negative cycle that I know is killing me physically and psychologically.
No pain no gain? You know what? The emotional pain is nothing like as bad as I assume it will be and the gain is simply life changing. I often end up laughing in the middle of a session that is fairly intense - wonderful.
I am not being paid to say nice things here, I am trying to lay bare how it is for me. I saw nothing good in my future. I’m a person who does not do deities, luck, superstition, karma or any such thing. I don’t expect ‘outside help’. I don’t have dreams or fantasies or wishes. My tomorrow was me ageing into a lonely darkness. I’ve genuinely tried various methods to find a path to happiness over many, many years and keenly considered the permanent way out. No joy. I now have hope.
I have confidence in Jonathan’s principles and method because of personal experience so I am also confident that I will get to the bottom of my depression, get it gone for good and look forward to every day and enjoy life to the full.
Today: I am no longer as negative about who I was and I’m getting positive about who I am becoming. I’m at the start of this new adventure. It will take time, tears, revelations, hard work, dedication and desire on my part mixed with Jonathan’s expertise and modus operandi. The outcome positive.
I am purely and only by impressed by results in life and conclude that trust in a proven technique will reward in big positive change. Now, slowly gradually I have come to know I am worth that energy.